HUBBY and I have returned home after spending a wonderful long weekend in Melbourne. We decided to head to Melbourne because we wanted to support Ben Pobjie’s Melbourne International Comedy Festival show and it was also a great excuse to head to the big city and catch up with family.

Left: Dashboard & Highway | Right: Jasper

We drove down Thursday afternoon and got into town around 9pm.  I hate driving at dusk because of wildlife but we had a really smooth run down there.  We amused ourselves by singing to random 90s metal bands and telling bad jokes.  It was fun.

HUBBY had booked the hotel so I was a little concerned.  (I have a thing about hotels and their bathrooms.  I can’t stay in a room with a dodgy bathroom.  It’s probably the only germ phobia I have… ) I was blown away by the place that he’d booked.  It’s called The Blackman.  (Totally click that link and go have a look, it’s worth it.)  The hotel is styled around an Australian Artist Charles Blackman.  His art is every where in the hotel.  I adored it.  Seriously, it’s the only hotel I’ve stayed at in years that I would go back to in a heart beat.  The staff were amazing and the food was divine.  I cannot talk highly enough of this hotel. (This is the type of room we stayed in… check it out.)

But enough about that.  Friday we were lucky enough to sleep in (thanks to the lack of puppies in the bed) and then we met HUBBY’s Father for some shopping and lunch.  Just as an aside while we were running around I thought I would ring the Melbourne Clinic that I was supposed to go to for my blood test on Saturday morning.  I assumed, based on our Clinic that it would be best to call around lunchtime as this is when most of the nurses are available, etc.

I rang and spoke to the Clinic and they advised that they weren’t actually open on Saturday to take the blood test.  Needless to say there were a few more panicked calls to try and organise a blood test.  We spent a few hours trying to work out whether to do the test or not.  I spoke to the Canberra Clinic and they advised that it’s no big deal if we don’t get the test, just up the medication and come in on Monday.

When we returned to the hotel I found that I had been lightly spotting.  I freaked.  Freaked!!!  When we started with the IVF I used to read on the forums about this thing called ‘implantation bleeding‘.  Prior to getting to the embryo transfer part of our cycle I had been saying to myself that I’ll know we’re pregnant if there’s an implant bleed.  (Implantation bleeds are rare-ish… )  So to get this spotting just caused me to freak out and get a little excited.  And a little panicked.  I told HUBBY about it (we freaked out together) and then I rang the Canberra Clinic to ask them if spotting was ok.

The Clinic quickly brought me back to ground.  Turns out the bleeding could be from the progesterone pessaries irritating my cervix.  Bummer.  Oh well, it was exciting while it lasted.

We went back to discussing what we should do about the blood test.  We decided that we’d just up the medication and head into the Canberra Clinic on Monday.

Decision made we decided to head to my favourite place in Melbourne, Chadstone.  Being the responsible Aunty and Uncle that we are we were shopping for gifts to try and buy our way into the hearts of our wonderful nieces.  We managed to pick up Jasper (Bunny) and a new dress up outfit for our older niece.  (There is a store in Chadstone called Jasper Junior and it is the best childrens store on the planet.  I could spend hours in there – hours!)

Left: Toy Penguins | Right: New Wedding Band

We also picked up some little items for ourselves.  We have a thing for penguins, which because of an inside joke we call pelicans, so when I saw these two little wind up male and female penguins I couldn’t resist.   I also picked up a new wedding band, nothing flash just something to hold me over until we can work out what we’re going to do.  It’s strange but I feel naked without my wedding ring.  I’m really happy with this one.  It’s thin so it feels like it’s older than it is.  Kind fragile.  I like it.  Plus it doesn’t fall off when I walk anywhere.

We had a wonderful, but all too quick, dinner with family before heading to see Ben’s show.  The show was really fun.  It was funny to hear Ben and then hear HUBBY giggling like he does when he reads Ben’s Twitter Feed.  It was like two worlds colliding.

After the gig I was so lucky to be able to finally put a real world face to Bec Pobjie and a new Twitter friend, TiffanyFF.  We had a great conversation that involved some of my favourite things; redskins, money, panada rape and men with two penises.  Always a good sign of kindred spirits.

It was such a great day.  On the drive back to the Hotel we talked about moving to Melbourne.  We talk about it often, but I’m normally hesitant to do so because I hate the traffic and the fact that the housing seems to be so crammed.  But for some reason (probably the hormones) I was feeling the love towards Melbourne.

We went to bed with room service in our bellies and love in our hearts.

Left: Pathology Lab Waiting Number | Right: Nervous Twitch

At 7am on Saturday I woke with a rather noticeable, but dull, uterine cramp.  It wasn’t hugely painful, but it was enough to wake me up.  I laid in bed for awhile thinking about everything and the excitement about the possibility that we could be pregnant got the better of me and I made HUBBY take me to Melbourne Pathology at Epworth Hospital.  A couple of lovely nurses helped me and took my blood work.  (Thank goodness I’m anal retentive and thought to pack ALL my documentation for the trip just in case something went wrong.  It meant I was able to get the proper authorization for the test.)

We did the test and I rang the Canberra Clinic to advise them the test had been done and the number to call for the results. Now all I had to do was wait…

We headed to HUBBY’s Father’s house to help him out with some IT issues.  (When I say we – HUBBY did the IT work and I laid on the couch clock watching.)  I impatiently taped my foot for an hour while I waited for the Canberra Clinic to call me back with the news.  At 1pm there was no news so we accepted that the Melbourne hadn’t been able to get the results to Canberra before they closed for the day.  At 1:15pm the Canberra Clinic rang and time stopped still.

The nurse opened with “Your HcG levels came back as less than 1.” To be honest I stopped listening after she said HcG.  (HcG is the pregnancy hormone indicator.)  It took me a few moments to clue into the fact that she was still talking to me.  I don’t know what she was saying so I asked her if it was good news because we’d never had any HcG reported before.  She said something about tolerances of the machines and Canberra only testing to less than 2.  She said that it wasn’t cause for celebration as they would want the level to be greater than 10 and I needed to keep taking my meds and come in on Monday.  She then hung up.

I was left sitting on my Father-in-Laws (FIL) couch stunned.  Stunned.  I wanted to cry.  It was like in a mere few minutes she’d told me we were pregnant only to tell me we weren’t.  I didn’t know what to make of the test.  Did less than 1 mean that there was something there which was a first for us.  (Every other time they open with there’s no HcG in your results.)  I only realised then that she hadn’t given me my progesterone levels.  So I didn’t even know if our progesterone levels were where they needed to be.  It was worse than not knowing.

I hit google.  I desperately DM’d someone I know that’s been through this.  I drove myself nuts.

The worst thing about it was that I couldn’t cry like I wanted to because we were in someone else’s house.   And I really wanted to cry.  Cry in frustration.  Cry at the unfairness of it all.  Cry because I was convinced that this time it had worked.  Just cry till it hurt.

Instead I plastered a smile on my dial and waited for HUBBY to finish what he was doing with his Dad before telling him.  I broke the news to him and with both just stared at each other like the clueless people we are.

I tried to take comfort in the fact that implantation could have occurred on Friday (due to the spotting) and therefore the levels wouldn’t be there yet.  But really I have no idea and I was just trying to not lose my shit in front of relatives.

After helping FIL out we headed to my Brother-in-Laws home to shower his daughter in love and affection.  She loved her new dress-ups and looked so very cute.  It was just the tonic to crappy medical advice.

Left: Haigh’s Hot Cross Bun | Right: Our Car in Holbrook

The only thing that I really wanted to do while we were in Melbourne was pick up a stash of Haigh‘s Hot Cross Bun Truffles.  I rarely do spiced chocolate, but these are like crack.  I love them.  At AU$19.95 for a box of 6 they’re as expensive as crack!  I am ashamed to say we spent AU$110 on chocolate.  I’m blaming the stress of the day on my need for chocolate.  Expensive chocolate.

We decided to head back to the Hotel and regroup.  I wasn’t feeling too crash hot so we decided to stay in.  We ordered Thai Delivery (thanks to the wonderful Concierge) and watched in house movies.  (I know HUBBY was worried about me because he let me order (and watch) Life as We Know It. For the record, I really enjoyed the movie.)

I ate even less dinner than normal.  A few moments after starting dinner I felt sick; headache and nausea.  Bad.  I went to lay down and wait for it to pass.  Seriously, I thought I was going to lose my dinner.  Sick, so very sick.

About 30 minutes after it hit it passed.  HUBBY said I looked green, which apparently isn’t a good colour on me.

Another great nights sleep, but I was up at 5:30am.  I wanted to get on the road as soon as we could so we could get home with time to get ready for work tomorrow.  We managed to get on the road by 7:30am.  We stopped in Eurora at the best little bakery on the Hume Highway.  I was totally healthy and had a meat pie for breakfast.  (I’m Australian to the core!)  About 5 minutes after finishing the pie I was struck again with headache and nausea.  I thought I was going to have to get HUBBY to pull over so I could throw up on the side of the highway.

We stopped again in Holbrook.

Left: Wagon Wheel | Right: Hume Highway

I got myself a wagon wheel the size of my hand.  Three bites in and the nausea was back.  Needless to say the remaining wagon wheel is now chilling in the fridge.  I spent the drive home singing loudly with HUBBY, playing Words With Friends and taking random photos.

I’m always the same when it comes to heading home; once we’re on the road I just want to be home now.  It’s a disease. The relief I feel when we pull into the driveway is always the same; I’m so glad to be home.

Now we’re home I’ve had dinner (more headache/nausea) and I’m starting to get nervous about the impending blood test tomorrow.   I don’t know what to think.  We’ve been here before with our first blood test done and no results and it’s always ended in a failed attempt.  I’m so scared that it’s going to end with a negative.

All this month I’ve been seeing “signs” everywhere that mean this will work in a positive.  I tossed a coin and it came up heads which means it’s going to be positive. I’ve beaten my arch nemesis at Words With Friends which means it will work.  There was a baby painting outside the door to our suite.  There’s been babies and twins all over the television and films that I’ve been watching.  I feel like the universe is telling me this is going to work.

The spotting will be a cruel joke if this doesn’t work.  A seriously nasty joke.  I was convinced if I had spotting it would mean it has worked.  I would have bet the house on it. But now with this blood test, I’m starting to falter.  I would love to think that this sickness is somehow a sign that it’s worked, but Dr Google tells me that it’s too early for morning sickness.

Dr Google also tells me that my HcG should have been at 10 on DPO10 (Saturday), but I think that’s if implantation occurred on the first day of the implantation window.  I can’t seem to find any information about what happens to HcG levels if implantation occurs later in the window.

It’s doing my head in.  The only thing I can do is continue to take the medication and pray that it works.  Whatever the outcome we’ll know tomorrow afternoon.  I’m not sure how I’m going to respond to it.  I’m just going to try and enjoy our final night of possibility.