We’ve just gotten another letter from Medicare advising us of our rebate from the last IVF cycle.  It’s a whopping $56.75.  Now normally I’d be expecting that rebate to be around $800.  So I called Medicare to ask what was going on and should I be expecting another letter with more money attached to it?

The call didn’t start well as the operator didn’t sound to sure of herself and it ended even worse when she declared there had been “changes” to the policy and we’d somehow reached our rebate limit and wouldn’t be getting any more money back.  Well that’s news to me!

When I’d asked her to explain it she said “I wish the Clinics would tell you what to expect.”  Well bugger me, but last time I checked you’re the health authority YOU should be able to tell me what’s going on!

I hung up the call and I’ve been fuming ever since.

Seriously, I know that we should count ourselves lucky because we get these procedures funded.  But hell, I pay a bucketload of tax and I also pay through the nose for one of the highest levels of private health cover.  I’d be expecting a little something from all the coin I’ve been outlaying to support our national health system.

I’m also acutely aware of the fact that we’re “opting” to have these procedures done.  I’m also aware of the fact that the decline in our population is going to place some serious pressures on our society over the next decades so really it’s a national service to have children (and raise them to be responsible law abiding and contributing citizens).

There’s also the fact that infertility isn’t killing me and it’s not like I’m having to find thousands of dollars to try and pay for medication that can keep me alive.

I’m aware of all of that. But give me a break.  Is it not enough that we’re unable to do something that most people take for granted and see as their God given right now I have to deal with a system that makes me also have to pay through the nose for the pleasure of being put through and emotional, physical and financial wringer.

Well fuck you very much I’ve had enough.

Why just this week I was told by someone close to us that maybe we should just stop trying and get on with living our own lives.

You have no idea the self control it took to not to turn around and tell them to go fuck themselves that they could keep their opinions to themselves and should I want to hear what they’ve got to say on the matter I’ll be sure to let them know.

Sure, looking on I’ve no doubt that some part of a rational person would question our commitment to this process.  But in my experience those doing the questioning are usually sitting pretty from a place of parenthood.  I know this person certainly was.

I’m positive that the person dispensing the advice was probably coming from a place of concern for us and didn’t want to see us going through this difficult situation, but seriously that wasn’t the advice to be giving.

Take it from me, if you’re ever in the position to be conversing with someone about their IVF experience your only response is nodding and being empathetic to the situation.  It is not under any circumstance your place to tell that person or couple that they should give up.

You are not their doctor.  You do not have the ability to see the future.  You do not, in any way, understand what is transpiring between that couple in relation to this process.

Your role is clear; listen, provide hugs and shut the fuck up.

If you can’t do that don’t come around for a coffee and definitely do not ask about what’s happening in my life.

Every IVF experience is different.  We’re going through it and I would never presume to understand the emotional and/or physical response that anyone else is having to their IVF process.  I can certainly empathise with someone and I could probably relate on a level with that person that the average person could not, but it is never my place to dispense advice to them on how they’re handling this challenge.

It amazes me when people are so free flowing with the advice.  Do they not understand the tightrope that I’m walking mentally at the moment?  Seriously, it’s a friggin miracle each day that I get through without losing my shit.  I just want to scream and yell and kick and blame and hurt someone the way that I’m hurting.  But what would that achieve?

Instead, I smile and make polite conversation and then fume in private because heaven forbid that I do or say something that puts a relationship at risk.  Besides, I know that they didn’t do it on purpose and that we’re all guilty of saying something to someone at some time that is mistaken.  At least that’s what I try to tell myself to calm myself down, but really I haven’t got a clue and I really don’t care I’m just looking for a reason to be angry.

Image source: Carol Burgo

I’m walking around with so much sadness and resentment at this process that it’s just the straw that could bring it all tumbling down.

Twelve months ago we had 14 embryos and now today we have none.  We were so certain it was going to work.  So certain that we were going to be the parents we so desperately wanted to be.  And yet here I sit today no closer to seeing that dream realised and being told that I’m now not going to get any support from my government when my taxes are being used to support habitual breeders who abuse and neglect their children.  My taxes pay for this fear campaign against boat people.  They go towards paying for a hate campaign against gay marriage.  The least they could do is kick me some coin so I can produce another generation of tax payers.

I’m two weeks out from starting our next round of injections and I’m just not sure I have it in me too keep going with this crap.  Especially when we have comments from the peanut gallery about giving up.  And it is giving up.  That’s how I see it.  When the doctor tells us it’s a numbers game and we can still (just) afford the treatments why would we stop just so we could “live our lives”?

This is our life.  We’re a couple with infertility.  This is what couples with infertility do.  As much as I think about our life being on hold, it’s not.  We’re never going to get these days back.  This is our life.  These past 6 years I’ve not been in some frozen space time continuum, this is my life.   I am living it and I’m living it just the way I want too.  I’m living it by trying to have something that 98% of people take for granted.  We want a family.  Whether that makes sense to you or not, this is our life.

Would I have it differently if I could, probably.   But then I wouldn’t know who our true family are if I did that.  I wouldn’t know just how strong the love between HUBBY and I is.  And I definitely wouldn’t know just how strong I am.  So I guess, I wouldn’t have it any differently.

Am I ready for us to be over this part of our lives, hell yeah.  But how, when and why this chapter closes that will be something that we decided and I can guarantee it won’t be a decision founded on throw away comments.

I’m just so drained by this all.  I wish that we were traveling the world, spending our money on extravagant purchases and eating out every night, but when I daydream about those things there’s always children in the dreams.  Our children.

So I guess it’s just a matter of sucking it up, getting back on the IVF rollercoaster and cutting back on my Etsy spending sprees so we can pay for it all. Besides, life could always be worse and despite the rant above I do have it good.  Very good.