Image source: thedisneyprincess

This morning I woke up with my head in a dark place. Yesterday’s disaster with the home pregnancy test had left quite the little impression on my mood. But while I was laying in bed trying to decide whether to hide under the doona or get out and brave the world I had a moment.

I realized that I could either lay in that bed and wallow about what could possibly happen today or I could get out of bed, take the bull by the horns and face today with a positive outlook. I realized that while I might not be able to control the result (a major issue for a self confessed control freak) I could control how I approach the situation and respond to it.

So I got my butt out of bed.

While in the shower I was contemplating what I would wear to work today. (A major achievement in and of itself as yesterday I wanted to stay home from work today just in case the news was bad.) I had gone for the comfort clothes; pants, big blouse and sensible shoes. It was then that I thought “bugger it, I’m going to dress happy!”

I had purchased some insane heels a week or so back and I was just to even cut the tag off them. I had a new dress hanging in the cupboard that I was dying to wear. (Unfortunately I couldn’t wear them both together, unless I wanted to add a fashion crime to the list of reasons why today could suck.) I made up my mind that I was going to dress happy. Sure it might not be the most comfortable attire, but when I look good (as good as I can) then I feel good.

I put the comfortable clothes back in the cupboard and grabbed the new dress. It was great, but I really had my heart set on the shoes so I put the dress back and went for a navy dress instead. I went and liberated my shoes from the sale tag and popped them on. Dress happy!

I also made the decision that I would be the one to call the clinic. Normally I get HUBBY to call them because I don’t want to hear them tell me it’s all over, but not today. Today I am going to be the master of my own destiny. I am going to call them and listen to whatever news they have to tell me, whether it be good or bad. I am going to own this situation.

I informed HUBBY of my new resolve and left the house to go to the Clinic. I parked the car and jumped out. I had taken maybe 5 steps when a lady (who was assisting her mother into the medical clinic complimented me on my shoes. Score!

I handed in my pathology form at the clinic and waited to be called. I was the second one in. Rock on! The nurse who took my bloods was great and while I was in the chair my favourite nurse popped in to congratulate me on such great numbers. She also congratulated me on a great shoe buy. It was lovely to have a great little interaction with them all.

I left the Clinic with a spring in my step. (Which was quite the feat given the size of my heels!)

I drove myself to work and have been at my desk ever since. I have been trying to think positively and squash any negative thoughts. I still feel really confident about everything and I’ve nearly managed to block yesterday’s moment of madness from my thoughts.

I was struck on the drive to the Clinic this morning that I’m already learning some big life lessons from our (potential) child and it isn’t even in the world yet. I’m kind of buoyed by the thought that our children will be teaching us positive lessons. That just through their mere presence in our world things are changing for the better.

Over the years my ability to try to avoid painful situations has been a major issue with me. I get HUBBY to do all my dirty work! I don’t know when or why it happened because I used to be quite brash and rush headlong into things. But now, unless I can control the outcome and the reactions of those involved, I control the way in which I deal with it. And that’s not always a positive thing. If avoidance were an Olympic sport I would be a gold medalist.

But not today. Today I am going to be strong. I am going to be in control and I am going to deal with whatever the outcome is in a positive way. We’ve been here before, I know what it feels like to be told that it’s going to end. I know that we can handle it, that we get up, dust ourselves off and get back on the horse. I know that life goes on. Sure it’s disappointing, but you have to take from it what you can and make sure that you apply those learnings to the next installment.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve lost probably a kilogram today already from just having nervous pooping. But the thing is I’m out in the world, not on the couch at home hiding. Sure I might be pacing up and down my cage, but I’m wearing great shoes while doing it. I am in control and I’m quite proud of myself. Don’t let the shaking hands fool you!

Part of me hopes that this little hiccup will be something that we can look back on, shake our heads at and say “Oh your silly mother, she did some whacking things on the road to becoming your Mum.”

Image source: NayArts on Etsy

So I wrote the above bit of this post while I was at work, before I knew the results of this mornings blood test.  Now I know what the results are: Progesterone 66.9 and HcG 139.  That my friends is well and truly up the duff!

I have to return next week for another blood test to see how everything is progressing, but I feel like a major weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  It was this blood test that we’d stumbled on before so I really just wanted to get this result out of the way so that I could relax into the fact that we are in fact PREGNANT!

I still can’t believe that I get to write that word in relation to my own situation.  Like seriously: wow!

I can’t explain how it feels.  It’s like a massive thing has been achieved but the world just goes on like it did before and I still feel like I did before.  It boggles my mind to think that right now, right here, I’m growing another person.  (Or persons! I haven’t given up on the hope of twins! Greedy I know!)  The fact that we now have nearly a whole week to enjoy the fact that we’re actually pregnant seems so indulgent.

I know we still have a long road to go and I’m not convinced I’ll ever stop worrying about what’s going on, but I’m so thankful that we have been given this blessing.  So thankful.

I’m not sure what the next few weeks, months, years will hold for us but I feel like we achieved something monumental today.  I can’t wait for HUBBY to come home so that we can just have a moment together of “Holy F**k!”.

I want to write more and I want to properly thank all of you for your love and support, and I will, it’s just right now concentration is a little on the poor side.  So I’m going to sign off and go have a shower (a not too hot one!).