Image source: Rock the Custard on Etsy

I’ve really struggled the past few days.  Thursday was particularly bad.  The lack of sleep had caught up with me and it was just enough to push me to the edge.  I have been struggling with feeling alone for the past few weeks and it seemed to really catch up with me on Thursday.

It’s weird because I’ve never felt more in touch with my friends and further from my parents in my life.  There’s been days here where it’s all I can do not to call my Mum and beg her to come down here.  Then there’s other days where I’m happy and confident and I’m ok with us being here and them being in Queensland.

I just seem to oscillate from one extreme to the next.  I’ve also found it really hard that HUBBY returned to work so soon after Sam’s birth.  I know that it wasn’t his choice but it’s still been really hard.  When there’s two of us in the house together it’s so much easier to share the responsibility and I actually get to eat a meal.

I’ve also found it hard to come to terms with just how long it takes me to do things.  I used to be able to just do a task from start to finish whenever I wanted.  Now I can start something and weeks later (basting my hexies) it’s still going on.  The house looks like a bomb has hit it.  There’s baby related things spread all over the house and there appears to be no sense of organisation to it.  It’s driving me bonkers.

Thursday I just wanted to get in the car and leave.  Leave the chaos behind and just go.  Only one problem, I wanted to take Sam and HUBBY with me and when I tried to work out how to do that I realised that the best place for the three of us was where we are.

Lucky for me HUBBY could see I was at breaking point and so he kindly let me sleep Thursday night instead of getting up to do the night time feeds with Sam.  It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.  Sleep.

Image source: pinterest

It only managed to exasperate HUBBY’s cold and meant that he spent Friday away from work trying to recover from lack of sleep and the onset of his cold.  But it was worth it.  Totally worth it.  With some sleep under my belt I was like a new woman.  Coupled with having him home on Friday it was like I’d won the lotto.

I was able to have a shower, eat my lunch and spend some time just doing some of the things that I used to do pre-Sam.  I feel totally recharged.

I felt so good that I was actually able to go out with HUBBY and Sam and do some retail therapy.  Which had another benefit; organisation.  With my ability to somewhat think straight returned due to the acquisition of sleep I started to formulate a plan for how to reclaim the house.

1. Get a cleaner.  As much as I want to be superwoman I’m not.  I can’t do it all.  I can however afford to get someone else in to do the cleaning.  I’ve organised a regular cleaner to come in and do all the big jobs.  I’ve worked out that I can “maintain” the house if someone else keeps resetting it for me.
2. Put in place some permanent storage solutions.  We were using Sam’s travel cot as a change station.  It was brilliant as the cot had a change table attached to it and the cot itself made a great place to store his changing equipment (nappies, wipes, nappy disposal unit, clothes), his sleeping gear (wraps and sleep bags) and the cloth nappies we use as burp cloths.  Only one problem it looks really messy and took up a lot of space.  (People couldn’t push their chairs back if they sat at our dining table – not a problem when there’s only the two of us but we like to have people over!)  So as part of the retail therapy we purchased a change station solution.  It’s great, it takes up half the space, matches his bassinet and still stores everything we need it to.
3. Move the bottle preparation equipment out of the dining room.  We had all the equipment and supplies for making up Sam’s bottles set up in the dining room as there wasn’t enough bench space in the kitchen.  It was handy but I really hated looking at it.  It just felt messy.  So HUBBY did something we should have done a long time ago; he put up shelves in the laundry.  This has meant that I could move the station into the laundry (it’s part of our kitchen) and that’s meant that I don’t have to look at it all the time.  It’s amazing how just moving that clutter out of the dining room has made a massive difference.
4. Declutter and reorganise.  I have a bad habit of buying things that are great but I only use once or twice and then they take up precious storage space.  Over the next weeks I’m going to set myself a few goals to clear the house and garage of this acquired clutter.  I’m going to sale, donate and bin.  I’m going to be ruthless and I’m going to set realistic goals that take into consideration that my primary responsibility is making sure Sam is looked after.

Just knowing that I have a plan has made a world of difference.  I border on being an organisational freak at the best of times but I find when I’m emotionally under pressure I become really focused on whether my home is organised or not.  It’s made even worse with the fact that this is where I now spend 98% of my time.  (When I worked I used to control my workspace with an iron fist.)

Image source: pinterest

I also need to realise that I have to establish a routine when it comes to my sleep patterns.  HUBBY is great and gives me evenings to recharge but instead of sleeping I try and get more chores done, spend time on the internet, read, tweet and play Words with Friends.  I can’t do this any more.  I need to make myself sleep.  Sleep has now become as important as eating.   The last 9 weeks have shown that if I don’t get enough sleep my ability to cope takes a massive dive.  I hate feeling like I’m emotionally out of control so I need to come to terms with the fact that I can’t do all that I did pre-Sam and look after him.  Something has to give and it’s not going to be Sam.

It’s something I’m really struggling with and I don’t know how long it will take for me to come to terms with it.  I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back some days.  It’s an emotional rollercoaster and I’ve never been good with rollercoasters.  I guess I just need to focus on what I can control and forget the rest.  Each day things keep getting better I just need to have some more patience.  A theme that seems to be constantly repeating itself in my life.

Regardless of the mess that may be happening in my house and in my head my little man continues to be a ray of sunshine.  I can’t help it, everyday I fall more in love with him and really that’s the meaning of life right there.  Surprisingly it has nothing to do with a clean and organised house, who would have thunk it!